The results are in
We can sleep safely in our beds, the culprit has been identified.
Honestly, if there’s a person in the world more likely to accuse someone of being a bumface on a wet window, before scarpering like a coward, I’ve yet to hear it. Just look at him.
Well done to eagle-eyed citizen @growingdirect for nailing the felon. I’m straight round to Giles Coren’s house to finger “Coren huffs farts” on the patio doors. He does, you know. Right out of a big brown hookah. Then he writes about it in a column like it’s oh-so bohemian.
Among the many fine suggestions included such names as Lauren Harries (as if she could find enough time between Tweeting 10,000 times a day), Tara Reid (for whom bumface is just a regular side-effect of plastic surgery), Gok “Yeah, I’m totes, gay, let’s have a feel of your fanny and tits” Wan, and in a strange, meta-accusation, myself, having presumably let my self-loathing manifest itself in a Tyler Durden way.
Anyway, a random draw followed, so here is the full list of winners.
1st Prize, copies of both books – @growingdirect
Runners up, who all get a copy of Volume II:
Thanks to everyone who entered, and remain vigilant.
He’s out there.