Big Brother, Tim Sylvia

I’m an unashamed lover of Big Brother, and I talked about that last year (http://tinyurl.com/loqv66). It’s taking a while for things to get interesting this season, mainly because everyone’s still in that first heady rush of tiptoey politeness and they’ve yet to splinter into two eternally warring factions, like the Hatfields and McCoys if they’d been fighting over who gets to cover their bare tits with their hands for the most money in Nuts magazine instead of cowboy gold.

I do like Angel, because she’s slightly like Gina Carano channelled through Klaus Nomi, or Ivan Drago’s wife if he’d bought her off of the internet. Sree is outright terrifying. When the series is over, I’ll still be having nightmares about him waking me at 3am by shining a torch in my eyes and asking me if I like him, while the tears from his wretched sobs drip into my confused mouth. Since Halfwit dyed his goatee and eyebrows, he just looks like a bad photo fit of himself, while Siavash looks like the Cowardly Lion if The Wizard of Oz was remade under the Dogme 95 manifesto. Although there are a few in there, it’s lighter on WAGS and LADS than most BBs, with enough wildcards like Angel or the one who looks like Wolverine if his skeleton had been laced with the grease from a disassembled motorbike in a bricky’s kitchen instead of adamantium to keep things interesting.

There is one thing about the more recent BBs that I absolutely despise. Since the Jade Goody/Shilpa thing and the BULLYING fallout in the media, the diary room voice of Big Brother takes on this weird nu-age councillor stance, rather than the old way of saying “Yeah, but Big Brother wonders if you don’t think Star totally calls you a smelly bitch behind your back and secretly dips her labs in your tea?” and stirring it up, they use words like ‘facilitate’ and ‘reflect’ and say “How do you think you could have handled the situation differently?” in a softly patronising voice. If you watch The Office, I think they’re using the same tips on how to deal with difficult people that Phyllis Googled up. It’s all for appearances too, to pre-emptively ward off the negative coverage, so any time you get an interesting flare up, you know they’re going to devote equal screen time to everyone involved working through their issues in the diary room like the kind of nob who wears a plastic wristband with “HOMELESSNESS IS RUBBISH” on it. Less of this, more goading.

…

In a way it’s hard not to feel bad for Tim Sylvia, given his status as the Lenny from Of Mice and Men of MMA. When he KOed Andrei Arlovski, he was just trying to pet him, bless his heart, and he loved being champion so much, he famously wore the belt everywhere, even in bed. *

Then again, hahahaha, what a fat disaster!

* I’d imagine Brock Lesner sleeps with the belt too. By sleeps with, I mean savagely and relentlessly fucks.

~ by Stuart on June 14, 2009.