“How did you get here?”

They say it’s not the destination, it’s the journey. So let’s take a look at the search terms that have been bringing people to this blog lately and see which visitors arrived like perfectly normal, well-adjusted humans by metaphorically walking or taking the bus, and who turned up in a rocketship shaped like a giant ejaculating penis.




Well that’s great. anything with the word ‘frantic’ in it is obviously not some random straggler, but someone who fired up Google specifically to find out more information about my books.  Frantic = good news for Millard!



It’s not enough to just ride the cock, it has to be frantic. It’s such a weirdly specific term for pornography too. “How am I supposed to maintain an erection over this? Her riding of the cock is clearly hectic at best! Timberrrrr!” Opponents of pornography often cite the listless, bored boob-addict whose overstimulated, seen-it-all desires invariably escalate into cracking one off over more and more extreme kinks. This search is the highbrow equivalent of a jaded man who’s watched so much porn that the only way he can raise a semi is by watching hidden camera footage of his own father sucking himself off while sat in a urinal.

And what’s the ‘tube’ part? I’m presuming this is a quick catch-all for streaming video sites like Youtube or Redtube (which I have never heard of. Is that what it’s called??) and not an actual tube that’s involved in the proceedings. If you came to this blog looking for video of a black man vigorously fucking an empty toilet roll, you’re sadly mistaken. For now anyway, who knows what the weekend might bring?


Sec? Sec?? How do you not know how to spell sex? I know Youtube has a lot of dreadful music videos – 99% of all content is badly edited clips of men and women from TV shows or movies looking at each other in slow motion set to that ghastly song by The Fray – but anyone compiling the top five frantic sec scenes probably has the username of AlmostDefinitelyARapist69.


Look, just stop it!


Ah yes, Fantastic Four, the movie about the man made of fire, the invisible woman, the guy who can stretch any part of his body to almost infinite size and mass, and the dude who’s made out of orange rocks. Who was this a biopic of again?


Please note that this is the least damaging allegation ever made about Jimmy Savile.


I literally have no idea what this could be referring to. Ian Beale (that’s his proper name, please use it) is a photographer when he’s not doing that strange high-pitched crying at Phil Mitchell’s feet, but I can find no evidence of any kind of “fuck you picture.” If anyone knows what this is about, please get in touch, as I feel I’m probably missing out the work of art that could kick-start the new spiritual Renaissance.




Fr? Fr-what?? French? Fragrant? Freddie Mercury’s successor?

My search stats only stretch to so many characters, so unless someone comes back and tells me, I’ll never…Oh God, it’s Fr-antic, isn’t it? “why do people think marilyn manson is frantic black cock riding sec clits.” I should have just picked the title Clit Planet and done with it, you filthy, dirty swines.

To close, since I did the blog about her, there’s been a bunch of these:



If she should ever be filmed frantically…no, I can’t sully her name like that. But if that ever does happen, you’ll know where to look.

I don’t even give out my details anymore, and I threw out my phone, as I have no need for it. If anyone asks, I just enigmatically say “You know what Google is, toots? Wherever you seek big clits and Ian Beale, there I shall be found,” before vanishing in a puff of smoke.


~ by Stuart on September 25, 2009.

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