2010 – 2020: A primer
I can see into the future. I can’t reveal my technique (okay, fine, look at the tags of this post for the secret), but here is a small selection of what to expect over the next decade.
It’s the duty of every internet nerd to spend the first minute of every post-2000 new year sarcastically asking about the whereabouts of their jetpacks and hovercars. While these don’t materialize in the next ten years, in 2016, science will finally bring us the Hover Will Ferrell, capable of shouting ridiculous non sequiturs in a serious voice from a cruising height of 75 feet.
The speed of the media’s “build em up/knock em down” mentality reaches its zenith during the auditions of Britain’s Got Talent 2014, when a contestant’s rousing performance causes Piers Morgan to bumrush the stage, weeping, falling to his knees and loudly proclaiming the audience to “Cast your eyes upon the most glorious woman who ever lived!” Precisely four seconds later, Morgan spits “Look at this goggle-eyed fuck, she looks like a paedo or summink!”and shoots her through the chin with a nailgun.
James Cameron spends the first eight years of the decade clad in a pair of cardboard glasses and talking about how great he is, despite not even being able to tell a bedtime story to an infant without a fifteen year prep-time and $200m of fancy effects to distract from the awful dialogue. Cameron’s descent into Howard Hughes style lunacy culminates with a blatant refusal to acknowledge anything that’s in 2D, to the point that his waiting butlers and physicians must have their bodies thoroughly coloured in with red and green tattoo ink before entering his chamber.
Everyone gets bored of porn. In three short years, even our own mothers will spend their office lunchbreaks half-heartedly chuckling at phone-clips of distraught looking women puking turds and wee into each other’s gobs. The idea of “less is more” comes back into vogue, with the birth of the reverse strip-tease, and the notion that the most erotic thing of all is to see absolutely nothing. What follows is a fast progression from the “get em’ on, love!” pole-dancers at the Cardy ‘n Coat bars, to the Russian Doll one-upmanship of warring porn stars desperately climbing into progressively greater layers of burka, to eventually, pornography’s shift to footage and pictures of the outside of houses, where there might very well be someone inside doin’ it. Pretty soon, imagination has become so sexually charged, people are forced to walk around with their boring old fannies and nobs hanging out just to stop the population from fiddling themselves to death every time they see a winter coat or cummerbund and can’t help picturing the wonders that lurk beneath. In the midst of this, Paris Hilton finally poses for Playboy, with her entire body encased inside three tonnes of rapidly drying concrete, the slut.
Web 3.0 becomes defined by the website YouYesYouTube.com, with its famous logo of a laughing smiley with another laughing smiley inside its mouth, which acts as an outgoing streaming webcam, broadcasting your own reaction to your own reaction, on a two second delay. Many people become trapped inside this infinitely recursive loop of LOL and PMSL, and point and laugh at themself pointing and laughing at themselves until they die from hilarious starvation. One man literally laughs his arse off, and bleeds to death from the vacant hole where his bottom used to be, while craning his dying head up from the floor to giggle at himself giggling at his ragged final breathes.
Famous internet memes of the ‘tens will include:
* The Tit-O-Copter
* Peter Kay’s suicide
* The “Peter Kay’s suicide” guy
* The “Peter Kay’s suicide” guy’s suicide
* Reverend Windowfucker
* Will Smith sez “GET YER WILLY OUT!”
* The Dancing Paedophile
* Jason Statham raped my…
* Glorious and Mighty Dolphin
* “Hey! Who stole my urinal cakes??!”
* Titted Jesus
* Rollo Jensen’s Starry Nites
* INTERRACIAL GRANNY DOES NOT APPROVE
* Screamin’ duck don’t give no fuck
* “Shit. I just remembered I forgot about Dre.”