A ChatRoulette Love Story

A Chatroulette Love Story

I can’t remember who I was talking to before that. Probably a large group of Russian men in a house floor to ceiling with empty vodka bottles. Everything leading up to that point became meaningless, the black, infinite darkness before you come sliding out of the womb. I just remember her face. Elfin, pixie-ish, with shoulder length brown hair and one of those thin, perfect noses cosmetic surgeons just can’t emulate, no matter how hard they try. She looked into the camera and smiled, lighting up my world, and most incredibly, she didn’t hit F9.

Your partner is typing…

“Hey! What’s up?”

I fumbled for my keyboard, caught between a “not much, you,” or a “Hi! You’re incredibly attractive…” But then, tragedy. My browser hung. The small square containing the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen was now just a mocking, blank 320×240 pit of emptiness. I refreshed, my guts in my mouth, hoping against hope that our paths would connect again, hearts across the wi-fi, only to be confronted by a man having sex with a toilet seat.

That night, I lay awake, unable to get the image of that girl out of my head. In my freshly-beating heart, I knew it was meant to be. Was it really that crazy to fall in love with a smile? Nobody laughed at our Grandparents when they saw each other through the windows of a moving train and just knew they’d spend the rest of their lives together. There was no choice; I had to track her down, I had to find my soulmate, no matter how many more connects it took, and the tale of this would be our story, told hand in hand at weddings and parties for fifty years.

Dracula once told his beloved that he’d crossed oceans of time to be reunited with her. The jagged, thrashing waves of my ocean were proud between the legs of pixelly, headless men. Thick, sweaty horsecocks and stubby little nobs clasped between thumb and forefinger like rotten strawberries; my righteous path was strewn with enough penis for ten thousand lifetimes. I asked men dressed like Jesus and shirtless OAPs if they’d seen my girl, if they could only give me a clue to her whereabouts, or to let her know that I was looking for her, should they find themselves connected. Most just hit Next and moved on. Some laughed. Many started masturbating. One girl showed me her boobs, but I quickly hit F9, so’s not to cheat on my beloved. And then, following a close-up of a beltbuckle reading ‘DAD’ with big, swollen testicles poking out of the fly, there it was – that smile. The rush of blood to my head was so intense that I almost fainted onto the desk.

Your partner is typing…

“Hey! What’s up?”

Heart booming in my ears, I pasted my carefully pre-written text – a short summation of my quest complete with email address – into the chatbox, and slammed on the enter key. Sure, it was needy, maybe even stalkerish, but times like these you have to throw caution to the wind. Faint heart never won fair maiden.

Your partner is typing…

Never gonna give you up,

Never gonna let you down,

Never gonna run around and desert you

One part of that was totally true. Can you guess which bit? And this link isn’t even worksafe if you work in a crackhouse. Click here to find out.

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~ by Stuart on February 22, 2010.

28 Responses to “A ChatRoulette Love Story”

  1. Haha. That’s hilarious but I think I might know who you’re referring to, although the odds that we’re thinking of the same person are astronomical.

    • I should probably get around to replying to some of these comments, eh? How terribly rude of me.

      I wasn’t referring to anyone, sorry, unless the person you were thinking of is WORLD’S GREATEST DAD.

  2. I know exactly what you’re talking about. I also met someone on there who was so cute and we were having a nice conversation, and my internet connection crapped out. Haven’t stopped thinking about it ever since. All I know is that he’s in Florida somewhere with bleached hair and a smile that makes me crumble.

    • I don’t believe in fate or anything, but if I did, the crapping-out connection is surely Lady Fate saving you from some horrible relationship. He’s probably an adult baby fetishist or Sawyer from Lost-type conman looking to rob lovelorn ChatRoulette users of all their worldly cash. The bleached hair makes me presume the former. You had a lucky escape there, I reckon.

  3. Found someone i know i was meant to see again. He was gorgeous. we just had such a connection. He sent me a link, and i clicked out of chatroulette by accident. i haven’t been able to get him out of my mind. he lives in new hampshire and i live in a massachusetts. i’m just trusting in fate to bring us together again.

    • That’s kind of poetic, the part about him sending you the link that accidentally severed your ties forever. If you do find each other, the wedding day speech about having to wade through A BILLION PENISES will go down a storm.

      Maybe he’ll find this story too, and your comment, and thus you shall be reconnected. Nah, fuck it, I can’t be fixing people up, even inadvertantly. I’m too much of a loveless hermit to be party to something like that.


  4. I met someone on Chatroulette and actually fell in love. It was on 28th March & my friends and I were having what we call a “Chatroulette Party” and I will never forget that face when I first saw it. He lives in Spain and I live in Maryland, but we have talked every day ever since and we’re seriously in love. I am studying abroad in college next year to be with him. So, Chatroulette doesn’t always have to be sketchy, you never know what you might find.

    • The idea of a ChatRoulette Party terrifies me a bit. All I can see is the image of a plate of uneaten cocktale weeners at the end of the night.

      I’d say “cool,” but it’d ruin the image I’ve tried so hard to cultivate as a loveless heart-Scrooge, so HUMBUG!

  5. here is another chatroulette clone: 50cams.com

  6. I also fell inlove on Chatroulette, and 6 months later we met in NY and I cant imagine life with out him and he says the same to me, Ilove him and he loves me and we have double lives that are so far apart but yet a whisper away. MMMMMM I love you Daddy……Forever your BB.

  7. I met someone on Chatroulette a year and a half ago. I hated his smug attitude and stupid tattoos, I teased him about being an athiest. We added each other on skype, from there our relationship grew from two different countries, and here we are-I just returned home from my first trip to visit him and it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

    • Look at all the love in these comments. Don’t you people realise I have a potato for a heart? A BLACK, ROTTEN POTATO?!

      That’s cool though, I guess.


  8. haha… I saw the most beautiful man on chatroulette!! aaaah! So hot, too bad he wanted to have cyber sex.. and I was very uncomfortable with the notion. The bastard would have stuck around had I agreed to flash him.. but that wouldnt have been true loveeee. DANG!

    • The number one quality I look for in a future wife is “willingness to flash over a webcam, or indeed, anywhere”

      I think you missed out on The One, there 😦

      • sigh.. I think you’re right!! I am sooo going on a boob flashing spree!! But you have no idea.. he was so hot. You could probably roast potatoes on his ass. but one day.. I will find him again! Or not..

    • As my grandmother used to say, “If you have boobs, have faith!”

      (She didn’t really say that. But it is true)

      • lol.. see keeping faith in them is a little difficult. With all those perfect porn star ROUND boobs. Dammit! Screw cosmetic surgery!! but “I am beautiful in every single waaaaayyyy words (or in this case random men on chatroulette) cant bring me doowwwn” – as christina aguilara used to say.

    • Eh, boobs are boobs.

  9. I just met someone today. His name is Oleg and he’s in moscow russia. We had a good conversation but I had to go to class. I shouldve given him my email 😦

  10. I met my husband on chatroulette 🙂

    • I get a lot of Google searches for “I met my husband on ChatRoulette” but I never know if it’s a statement, or people wondering if that ever happened and hunting out examples. I put it down to the latter, because I found it hard to believe anyone could dig a spouse out of that big bucket of random penises. I suppose I have to rethink that now

      THANKS A LOT 😡

  11. A year and a half ago I met a guy on ChatRoulette. He’s in the Marines. We met in person 4 months after meeting on chatroulette and became best friends, started dating about a year ago, and have been since. As of December of 2011 we are engaged to be married after his deployment to Afghanistan.
    He and I are so much alike it’s incredible, he is the best friend I have ever had. He is extremely genuine and has the biggest heart I have ever witnessed in my life.

    Anything can happen people, even if it’s somewhere on ChatRoulette.

    • All you happy, loved-up weirdos are ruining the broken loner vibe of this blog.

      The next comment better be from someone who’s scarred from being flashed on ChatRoulette by a guy with a severe case of nob-rot.

  12. I have to consider myself and my husband one of the great wonders of the WWW. Two different continents, 8,000 km of land and ocean between us, both of us in a relationship spanning 30 years between the two of us (myself even married) but it happened…. we fell in love. It was 11 months before we officially met in person after daily chats over messenger and webcam. I was head-over-heels for him. I was so sure of myself that I requested to divorce my then husband a couple of months after finding my true love on Chatroulette, but my now husband was less sure of the two of us. He was definitely more cautious about us. I took a leap of faith. I was sick of that life of what if’s. Soon after our first meeting, my divorce was finally official and a few months later, my love was finally ready to take that leap and leave his long lived relationship with “her.” You would think everything would be wonderful after but it hasn’t been and it’s been an up and down roller coaster of being so in love to absolutely hating him to falling head over heels for him every day with my heart growing more in love as the days passes. Long story short, we are now married. Our lives situation is still a work in progress but we manage. We still live on separate continents but we manage. I always wanted to know what it was like to be absolutely madly in love with someone and I have discovered it with my gorgeous, handsome, sexy husband that I have met on Chatroulette. He is amazing. He is wonderful. He is my life.

    • See, when I tell people that I’m going to woo Ellen Page into being my wife over Twitter, they think I’m crazy, but this tale of yours is just proof that I should never give up.

      To Tweetdeck!

  13. First of all: this made me laugh so hard 🙂 Second and more embarassing: I actually found the love of my life on chatroulette… I was in Germany, he was in Australia, it was kinda funny that I was just going to Australia two months later the day we talked on this site which teaches you more about genitals than any biology book could ever do… he was there to convince himself that the site is full of jerks, I was doing the same, he was kinda awesome, we started talking ever day, now I live in Sydney with him and everything is perfect. I still can’t handle people asking us “So, tell me how you exactly met…” and will come up with a genius Star-Wars-Fan-Meeting-In-New-Mexico Story soon. I don’t know why I told you that, just wanted to share it I guess 🙂

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