While I Was Sleeping

Sometimes I write down my dreams, wanna fight about it? Don’t worry, I don’t read any meaning into them like one of those flakes with a Dream Journal and every episode of Derek Acorah’s Real Lives saved up on Sky Plus. I’ve tidied up the punctuation and whatnot, and edited out the names of any real life people to save them being associated with this madness, but otherwise these are exactly as hurriedly scrawled into OpenOffice after lurching out of bed. God love you, if you can make it through all this self-obsessed old toot.

Larry David

Watching Curb Your Enthusiasm. Larry accidentally dresses upside down, EG: wears his jacket as trousers and trousers as a jacket, with his head through the fly. People think he’s crazy, but it starts a craze in LA and soon everyone is doing it.

The Girl and the Dog

We were both on our lunchbreak from our respective jobs and I went over to say hi. [NAME REDACTED – A GIRL I KNOW] was sat inside a dumpster eating her lunch. We both had trained mountain lions, although they weren’t there. [THE GIRL] kept showing me old newsletters of sports and plays she’d done, and showed me her abs which were just 6 eggs taped to her stomach. I kept feeling them because I was intrigued but eventually stopped because I thought it would make me look creepy. All through lunch, [THE GIRL’S DOG] kept coming in and dropping tiny little pretzels at my feet, and I thought she’d probably trained the dog to do this to get rid of men who were bothering her, like they’d think “ooh pretzels!” and she could escape while they were distracted.

Tim Curry

I was in Gamleys looking for wrestling figures. [NAMES REDACTED – 2 FAMILY MEMBERS] were in there telling me that Tim Curry – who was dressed like a pirate and ran the shop – could bring people back from the dead for 20 seconds. They knew because he’d done it for them with [NAME REDACTED – A DECEASED FAMILY MEMBER]. They told me what to do but I was suspicious. I went up to Curry and said the secret password which was “911 is a joke” and he lead me out to the back room where he said it would take 20 seconds to raise the dead, and that I had to close my eyes while he did it. When I opened them I said “That’s not [THE DECEASED FAMILY MEMBER], you’re just dressed like him!” but everyone else was happy to keep up the pretence that the raised dead weren’t just Tim Curry in disguise and that really he had powers.

The Self-Loathing Magician

Jerry Sadowitz was in his flat and I was there too. It was filthy. He was really disturbed and wearing a nappy, because he constantly shat and couldn’t keep it in. He was really angry and abusive, swearing and pooing the whole time. He kept going on about how much he hated me, but his friend said he didn’t mean it, although he clearly did. As I left, Jerry Sadowitz threw a little top hat at me, metal, like the Monopoly piece. It was the trademark thing he always gave to people, but I said I couldn’t take it, as he hated me and I didn’t want to take advantage. At this, there was huge, huge pain in his eyes. He did like me, it’s just he could never admit it. With that unspoken truth, I took my little metal hat and bid him goodbye, and he shat into his nappy.

This last one is from the night before GTA4 was released

At my mum’s house waiting for the post. I saw a van outside and a man with a GTA sized parcel. He threw it through the letterbox all the way up the stairs. It wasn’t GTA, it was filled with junk mum my had bought from bidup.tv, literal junk; an old smashed mirror, a drawing someone had done of their dad. It started raining, and I was worried my GTA4 would get wet and dissolve. The postman came, and he had PS3s hanging from his handlebars in plastic bags. Eventually he put GTA4 through the door but I got locked out and was trapped outside. Dana White was there with McDreamy from Grey’s Anatomy and Dana said not to let me back in. He was pissed because he ran World of Warcraft and I hadn’t logged in for a while. McDreamy let me back in, but I was at my Uncle’s house instead and didn’t get to play because he doesn’t have an Xbox.

Goodnight, everybody!