The 15 Most Appallingly Specific Sexual Search Hits

Half the point of the internet is seeing people naked. Actresses, singers, people you know; you’re rarely more than a quick trawl through Google images from seeing all their business just shamelessly hanging out. While I’ve seen my share of actresses and singers, that last one has tragically yet to happen, but maybe someone will invent an app for it. Before I get to the list, let’s take a quick look at those specific nuddy celebrity searches that have lead the trouser-rummagers to this blog, during their moments of hollow, smutty abandon:

john james big brother shirtless

cheryl bernard action shots

kari byron naked

giles coren shirtless

Seems quite standard. They’re all pretty conventionally attractive people.

“gaz top” cock

julian clegg penis

tank abbot penis

jonty stern big brother naked

this is england 86 nudity smell

Top, Clegg, Abbott, Stern, Smell

Okay, well, we all have different taste, and beauty is subjective after all, so I won’t judge.

ian beale leather

ian beale feet

Fucking hell. Most of my mucky search hits are related to ChatRoulette, or are endearingly illiterate, like this:

sexyy fucky


Which makes me picture some Forrest Gump-style manchild, keyboard balanced on his priapic lap like a spinning plate, exploring the things that “makes me stinky worm go all big until he does a sick…” Anyway…onward!

last night i was having sex with spotify on, and the roberta

I do love when people use Google like a confessional, but I’m kinda glad that cuts off before we hear the whole story. Although really, you don’t have to go on that much of a mental stretch. It’s like that cliched stand-up routine about watching hotel porn and the camera zooming at the worst possible moment onto a moustachioed German fellow howling like an ape who’s returned home to find his family slaughtered, except, you know, a good version of that. Have you heard Roberta from Spotify’s voice? Rawr! That’s like opening your mouth to force in a spoonful of awful gruel and some Ben and Jerry’s just happening to fall inside.

“strong man”+”above his head”+”cock”

Circuses were never the same once they banned that, were they? Between that, and the fifty clowns climbing out of a tiny little anus, political correctness took all the fun out of the big top.

equestrian phallus female sucking

“I’ll crack one off over bestiality, but I shall not use such filthy words as ‘horse cock!’ I’m a gentleman, you know.”

how much deeply to put gestone 200mg capsules in vaginal show picture also

I like to think this was a doctor, capsules in hand, tapping away at Google and scanning through my blog while his patient nervously called across from her stirrups. “Just hold on, madam, while I read through this list of 2010’s top movies…”

frantic black gays

How does one define franticness? “I must be inside an anus immediately!” and going at it so wildly that it’s like that game where you put your hand down on a table and stab around the fingers with a knife? Black gays are hot and all, but unless they’re hyperventilating into a paper bag while they’re going at it, I just can’t get it up.

dreadlocks gay sex

In my mind, white people with dreadlocks reek. I associate that hair with nu-age travellers who wear crystals and never wash, the band The Levellers, and Glastonbury revellers pissing into empty Pepsi bottles while a tiny little yellow joint hangs from their scab and ring-laden bottom lip. The thought of two of those sorts together, all wobbly tattoos and bodies that are essentially one giant armpit, sweating all over each other, and the bare grass on which they rut, gives me the dry boke. I was going to say that it’s pretty odd to have a sexual thing for a haircut anyway, but then I remembered that lovely, short, pixie-hair some girls have, and I quickly shut my dirty, lonely mouth.

heroin withdrawal porn

Are those moans of erotic pleasure, or are their smack-craving stomachs cramping themselves up like a knotted shoelace? I guess if you dig the size zero thing, there’s probably a crossover.

men who lay with other men

Presumably this is the closeted pastor of a Megachurch who can’t bring himself to even type the word ‘gay’. Possibly a friend of Mr. Equine Phallus.

“smell of bottom” sexy girl ass

The day they invent smell-o-vision for the internet, I’m quitting technology to live off the land. You just know some wag would link you to a website with a picture of a cute puppy, or a bunch of pretty flowers, and by the time you realised that the whole site smelt of bottoms, it’d be way too late.

spunk spraying on redtube

Not such an odd request, relative to the rest, but the bluntness of it amuses me. “I want it fackin’ sprayin’ everywhere; like a fireman’s hose; like Norman Wisdom wallpapering the lounge…”

hentai turd

I’ve had this search more than once. “Photos of poo just don’t do it for me any more. I’ve got to up the eroticism! Mmmm, a cartoon poo…”

littlehampton sluts and slags

Is there such a list? If there is, is it publicly findable with a mere Google? As far as I’m aware – being all but the unappointed mayor of Littlehampton myself, much like Jerry Lawyer is the king of Memphis – I don’t believe there is, but perhaps there should be. Live in Littlehampton? Know a slag? Get in touch!*

*Don’t. Unless you are said slag. But send pictures first. Of you being a slag.

the most disgusting sex video ever

Ever? This is the internet, yo. Such a thing is unimaginable, like trying to think of the biggest number in the world. By now, everyone’s so jaded and desensitized that we can casually sit and watch 2 Girls 1 Cup while eating a Sunday roast, and demanding extra gravy. The glass ceiling on where sex videos can go – that’s some Hellraiser shit, and I don’t even want to think about it.


And lo, Darth Maul’s double-handed lightsaber did take on a horrible connotation. And finally, my personal favourite weirdly specific search term:

jizz on my bonnet

“This is the worst Easter ever! :(”

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~ by Stuart on January 6, 2011.

2 Responses to “The 15 Most Appallingly Specific Sexual Search Hits”

  1. Bwhahaha!! This post is so full of win it should be illegal!

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