Ideas for Crank III
You may be unfamiliar with the wonderful series of Jason Statham ‘Crank’ movies. The first one is essentially Speed, but in Jason Statham’s body – if he doesn’t keep his heartrate above a certain bpm, he will DIE – while the sequel gives him a robot heart that needs constant shocks of electricity to keep pumping. Now, I watch a lot of movies, so I feel like it’s time I started giving back to Hollywood. Here, for their perusal, I submit some ideas for Crank III, although I will want paying should any of these go into production.
* Just 90 minutes of Jason Statham holding in a fart.
* If Jason Statham loses The Game, he loses his life!
* There’s a bomb in Jason Statham’s penis. Engorgement to more than a 45 degree angle will allow the circuits to become aligned and detonate. Statham spends 90 minutes running through LA while Chinese gangsters throw pornography at him, dispatching topless lesbians on motorcycles to kiss before he can get to the Penis Clinic.
* Jason Statham once waved back at a girl who was actually waving at somebody behind him. It was really embarrassing, and sometimes he thinks about it, which makes him cringe and feel awful. There’s no real-time jeopardy, it’s more of a long-term character piece, following Statham throughout his life, where he’ll occasionally remember waving and think “Ooh, that was so embarrassing,” before going back to what he was doing, but feeling a little bit self-conscious.
* Jason Statham is at a strip club and he really needs a wee, but all the cubicles are full, and he can’t go at a urinal because he gets nervous, and nothing comes out. Every few minutes, there’s a cut to a pulsing CG bladder, almost ready to pop.
* Jason Statham swallows a piece of chewing gum. He gets himself into a right state, because his grandmother told him that you die if that happens, (“It’ll get all wrapped around your guts!”) and spends an hour pacing and trying not to cry, but it’s alright, because it’s just an urban myth.
* Jason Statham can’t get the Bedroom Intruder song out of his head. If it plays more than 20 times in a row, his brain will explode.
* Jason Statham felt like he was going to sneeze, but he didn’t. He wanders through the gang-ridden LA underground with a slight tickle in his nose, wondering if the sneeze will ever come.
* Jason Statham’s voicebox is stolen by Chinese Gangsters and replaced with that of a haughty old lady, and also a bomb with a 60 minute timer. He kills a bunch of people trying to get it taken out, but even as they’re dying, they’re all laughing because he sounds like Hyacinth from Keeping up Appearances.
* Jason Statham’s head is swapped with the head of a seal. Not much happens, really. He dies on the operating table. But the seal goes on to make a bunch of Transporter sequels.
* Jason Statham’s Jason Statham is replaced by Julia Roberts. She doesn’t know what she’s doing in an action movie and spends the whole film throwing cups of coffee at production assistants and screeching.
* Chinese Gangsters sew a desktop PC into Jason Statham’s chest and make Jason Statham post a vlog on Youtube; a rambling 9 minute dissection of the latest episode of Glee. If it doesn’t get more than 100 hits in an hour, the computer will download a bunch of pictures of cats with silly captions that will make Jason Statham look like a twat. The Chinese Gangsters keep Jason Statham in a weakened state by pumping him full of spyware.
* Jason Statham, Jason Statham. Jason Statham bomb, Jason Statham Jason Statham gun. Jason Statham. Jason Statham, Jason Statham Jason Statham, Bill Cosby.
Feel free to add any ideas you may have for a new Crank sequel in the comments.