3 More Songs That Could be Awesome Movies

This is a follow-up to the post I did a couple of years ago, the surprisingly titled 3 Songs That Could Be Awesome Movies. Click here to read it. If Hollywood should want to option the rights on any of these and cut me in on a finders fee deal with a “based on an idea by” credit, that’d be swell.

Why do the birds go on singing?

Why do the stars glow above?

Don’t they know it’s the end of the world?

It ended when I lost your love

The Skeeter Davis hit — linked in many people’s minds with the jarring image of the actually-dead-for-real-now Brittany Murphy swinging from the ceiling by her neck — muses on the rudeness of a world that keeps on turning while a freshly-cracked heart aches within her chest. In The End of the World, the movie, our heart-broke protagonist, laying beneath the safety of the duvet for dark, dark days at a time, feels similarly peeved as others go about their business while she weeps.

The sudden sound of a dead bird dropping onto her skylight is the first sign that her emotional pain is externalising, and as her world ended, so shall ours. Thunder cracks and skies bleed, portents of the end of it all. Like a disease, things wither in her presence, plants drooping limply against sidewalks as she passes, and old photos of her cheating ex causing knots in the pit of her stomach, and the ground to quake underfoot. But is her pain really manifesting as a lovesick tupla, or is it all just a hallucinatory symptom of a mental swan-dive?

Don’t they know it’s the end of the world

It ended when I lost your love

Caught in the detached grief of doomed love, she no longer separates her world — inhabited by only pain, rage and blubbing — and the one that keeps on keeping on outside. We’re not sure if Mother Earth is truly breathing her last, or if we’re merely seeing the world through her shit-tinted glasses. As things come to a head, a widowed psychiatrist helps her talk through her problems, and a brief moment of mellow sees the clouds part and the apocalypse recede. But revelations about her best friend and her ex unleash a deep-rooted self-loathing and desire to do herself harm that set the seas boiling once more. The therapist has to teach her how to let go, and how to love and trust again. In the final scenes, our broken heroine stands with a straight-razor to her throat as all around crashes and burns, and she must be reached before she causes — whether figurative or literal — the end of the world.

Casting:

Broke-Heart Girl – Maggie Grace

Therapist – Ryan Kwanten

Shitty Ex-Boyfriend – BJ Novak

Youtube – The End of the World

.

Do you remember the time I knew a Girl from Mars?

I don’t know if you knew that

We open on an old man — Jerry Stiller — going about his business. He lives alone, and we follow him slowly creaking out of bed, pottering in the kitchen, and taking a cheery walk to the corner store to buy his groceries. On his return, he’s greeted by the sight of a neighbourhood boy letting his dog take a dump on the lawn, but he shrugs out a laid-back eh, and walks up the steps.

“Don’t you mind?” calls out the boy, and when Stiller asks him to expand, he says, “Being alone?” The old man just smiles, and tosses him an ice-cream sandwich from the grocery bag.

The story plays out with Jerry Stiller and the kid (and the dog), sat on the stoop during a lazy summer’s day. The kid asks if he was ever married, and the old guy shakes his head and matter-of-factly says “I did know a girl once. She was from Mars.” The song’s past-tense narrative lends itself to a movie told in flashback, bookended like Edward Scissorhands, but with an actual old man as the old man, and not Winona Ryder with crow’s feet drawn on her face in magic marker.

Sitting in our dreamy days by the water’s edge

On a cool summer’s night

Fireflies and the stars in the sky

The twenty-something version of Jerry Stiller’s character, in the same house before its current tumbledown state, spots a blinding light in the yard one night, and opens a knock at the door to find a girl from Mars standing in a silver dress. Befitting of the era, she’s a fifties Martian, human but for green skin and two little antenna protruding from her head. The 1950s sections are shot in that haze of gee-mister innocence and earnest newspaper headlines about flying saucers.

“Nobody ever believed me,” he tells the kid, who pretends like he doesn’t buy it either, but we can see from his eyes that he wants to. It was a relationship based on the little things; night-time chats and riding around the small town with her sat on his handlebars when everyone else has gone to bed, even as a shady government G-Man tails them from a tinted Sedan. The Man in Black means to take the girl and imprison her in a laboratory, before the Russians find out and take her for themselves, and it’s this that forces her to get back in her spaceship and wave goodbye forever.

Oh we’d stay up late playing cards

Henri Winterman Cigars

Though she never told me her name

The kid peers up through the old man’s telescope as the shrill call of his mother sends him rushing home. The Girl from Mars might be gone, but he’s gotten a lifetime of happiness out of the time they spent together. We end, on a night he’ll spend like all the others, sitting out on his porch beneath a crisp, clear sky, looking up at the stars. One of them seems to twinkle.

I still love you

the Girl from Mars

Casting:

Old Man – Jerry Stiller

Old Man (Younger) – Elijah Wood

Girl from Mars – Jennifer Lawrence in green bodypaint

Government Agent – Michael Fassbender

Youtube – Girl from Mars

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Spider-Man thought he was bad

He was screwin’ my date up

He was botherin’ my girlfriend

He tried to cut her out of seventy dollars

With the mediocre critical reception to the Spidey reboot, the new franchise already finds itself creatively floundering. For the solution, Sony need to look towards schizophrenic outsider artist Wesley Willis. In short, Spidey’s gone sleazy, because with great power comes great responsibility — to be a total dick. Our hero of the story, let’s call him Wes, is the every-man foil to Peter Parker Spider-Prick, who’s swanning about New York using his super strength to show off, and shooting his spider-fluid all over the lower backs of other guys’ girlfriends. What really irks Wes is that Parker’s supposed to be a nerd, but like all other movie-nerds, he’s handsome, ripped, and doin’ it with insanely hot chicks. Hollywood’s idea of a downtrodden geek is Ryan Reynolds with a Star Wars shirt pulled down over his six pack and wearing a pair of fashionable glasses; but our Wes is an actual nerd, and resents Parker’s faux-vulnerable doe eyes and cynically styled hair. And he’s the only one who can see it.

Wes is on the fourth date with his new girlfriend, whom he’s yet to kiss, and as they’re leaving the movie theatre, a street-hood lurches from the shadows to steal her purse. Enter Spider-Man, who webs the mugger to a lamppost and invites himself back to theirs for his reward of beer and pizza. He keeps them up all night, bragging about his heroism, and quickly inserts himself into their lives full time. Wes, despite himself, kinda digs the cool-aura that rubs off as Spider-Man’s buddy, but he’s painfully aware that his girl is growing enamoured with Spidey.

That first kiss remains elusive. Every date, every picnic, Spider-Man’s there, the third wheel in red and blue; squashing between them on the couch as they watch TV, and telling Wes “I’m your best friend, bro” when he finally snaps, making him look the bad guy in front of his increasingly-distant girlfriend. Later, as Wes returns early from his minimum wage job washing down cars on the sidewalk…

Suddenly, I opened the bedroom door on Spider-Man’s sneaky ass

I caught him kissing my girlfriend and beat him to a pulp with a rubber hose

It’s a fight scene that’s beautiful in its brutal simplicity, with the priapic Parker unable to defend himself, and Wes isn’t shy about telling the world, having recorded the beating on his cellphone.

I whipped Spider-Man’s ass

I whipped Spider-Man’s ass

I whipped Spider-Man’s ass

I whipped Spider-Man’s ass

Spider-Man’s finished, seen by the world snivelling at the end of a rubber hose with another man’s girlfriend in his arms, and finds himself back at the bottom of the social totem pole. Meanwhile, the nerd — the real nerd — becomes the hero, and he gets that first kiss. From Spider-Man’s now ex-girlfriend, Emma Stone.

Casting:

Spider-Man – Andrew Garfield. Fuck it, let’s keep things consistent

Wes – Clark Duke

The Girl – Kim Pine

The Vulture (cameo) – Werner Herzog

Rock over London

Rock on, Chicago

Napa, it’s the parts store

Youtube – I Whipped Spider-Man’s Ass

So now you. Any songs you think could make awesome movies? Be sure to post about it in the comments section, so that I can sell the rights and become rich off of your labours read your comments because that would be interesting.

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~ by Stuart on July 12, 2012.

8 Responses to “3 More Songs That Could be Awesome Movies”

  1. I see it’s down to me to make the first comment. There will be a shortish delay while I think of something that will irritate the next person to comment. As usual.

  2. Oh man, there are so many films that could be made out of Wesley Willis songs… Imagine a quintilogy, beginning with Rock & Roll McDonald’s (a Car Wash for the 21st century, but with more bath salts), and ending with Big Black Ball Sack (Eddy Murphy could play both Wesley and his ball sack).

    Rock over London

    Rock on Chicago

    Wheaties, breakfast of champions

  3. […] I guess this is the third part of a trilogy. I wrote about this for the first time in 2010. And again in 2012. […]

  4. […] this series, about 3 songs that would make for awesome movies. Part I. Part II. Part […]

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